This time last year I came out with my 10 predictions for 2012 and I’m proud to say that my accuracy rate was 0/10. And because I estimate that I get about as many hits as The Australian (yes, it’s that low), this would easily make me the most accurate pundit in Australia today.
So here’s my new list for 2013, once again in the form of a retrospective:
1. Some BS is going to go ‘viral’.
Remember ‘that’ video of 2013, and how it went ‘viral’? Good, because I don’t. I think maybe there was some sort of kitsch dance move involving a Korean kitten boy band called Me-Ow.
2. Bob Katter embraces Gay Marriage and wins 2013 election
Katter put his sudden about face on gay rights down to a reconciliation with his brother, “What can I say? We hugged and that’s when I got gay germs. I had no choice but to change my policies.”
Respected ABC psephologist, Anthony Green, however, put the election win down to an exclamation mark. “You can really track the upswing in the polls from when the Australia Party changed its name to Australia Party!. This brought a strong youth vote out for Katter to supplement his rural base.”
3. US embraces gun reform
Unfortunately no one told the House of Representatives so nothing changed.
4. Climate change found to be a massive conspiracy of Marxist scientists
Who would have thought that the rich old men of the climate ‘sceptics’ community would be right about anything? In a cruel twist for them though, the news was only broken after the revolution which decimated this protected group.
Dr. Number 1 Karl ‘Marx’ Kruszelnicki explains, “Back in 2007 the prospects for the revolution looked pretty grim. So we took the data from an upswing in solar activity, and blamed it on ‘global warming’. A problem that could only be solved through the dissolution of the capitalist system as we know it. Ingenious. If we had have known global finance would have given us such a free kick towards the revolution we would have directed our energies elsewhere. But that’s life for you.”
Fill this space with your own prediction, and then retrospectively give me credit for coming up with it.
6. Paul Howes writes something boorish and irrelevant in the Daily Telegraph
Probably on bike lanes.
7. Prince Charles nude photo scandal
In one single drug and alcohol-fuelled weekend in Monaco, Prince Charles undoes two years of carefully managed Royal propaganda.
Notorious paparazzo, Dan Studman, “I was camped out in the building across the road, when Prince Charles and Camilla return to their hotel room. Charles starts dancing and taking off his clothes. I think, I can’t be sure, but he seemed to be doing that Me-Ow dance. You know that one from the internet? That one night has ruined my life. I keep getting flashbacks.”
8. News Corporation publishes a two-piece puff piece on Abbott written by the wife of his campaign director and on same day attacks PM for parking fines that have been paid
Nah, obviously that one would be just too ridiculous and partisan for Murdoch.
9. Disaster Chef
This is the break out hit of 2013. A group of aspiring chefs have to investigate airline disasters. “Looking back, I think it’s what we did with the Mystery Box challenge that really got the viewers.” Matt Preston.
10. US Congress outlaws ‘top 10’ lists in blogs
“There are times when we can overcome our partisan divide and unite. When we do it’s over the big issues that matter for America – the things that pose a threat to our security and our way of life.” Republican Speaker John Boehner explains the measure which takes out top 10 lists on blogs along with fake twitter accounts.