This is the time of year when overpaid windbags in the service of their corporate overlords make predictions for the coming year with less accuracy than a blindfolded and intoxicated orang-utan throwing darts. So, I thought I’d do the same thing…but for free.
So here’s my list of ten predictions for the coming year in the form of a retrospective on 2012:
1. Martin Ferguson is revealed as a double agent for both the mining industry and the Greens
The Member for Batman, is revealed to be leading a triple life as a Labor Minister, mining industry operative and deep cover Green plant. In an ironic twist Ferguson’s conflicting loyalties were only revealed after he ordered intensive monitoring and surveillance of Green groups.
“We had our suspicions when some senior members of various environmental groups referred to a Federal Government mole known only as Robin.” Stated Senior Detective Sergeant Smith of the AFP. AMMA were reported to be livid when news of Ferguson’s Green loyalties emerged, a spokesperson said “We definitely thought he was our man. Honestly, we don’t know what has happened to the sanctity of market transactions in this country.”
An unnamed Greens source has said that Ferguson’s antics as a Minister were part of a plot to ensure that the Federal Seat of Batman went to the Greens, “I was amazed with how long we could get away with it. I would have thought the Labor Party would have cottoned on to the damage they were doing to their brand having Ferguson represent the peoples of Brunswick, Northcote and Thornbury?”
2. The Australian comes out as a satirical news publication
“I looked at Chris and said, ‘mate let’s see how long we can get away with this shit.'” Clive Mathieson in an exclusive Fairfax interview. Mathieson went on to outline amongst other things that columnist Paul Kelly is actually singer song writer Paul Kelly. “We just slapped on a photo of my dad who lives up in Tweed Heads for the byline and told Paul to make shit up. If you go through his columns carefully you see coded references to Aussie Rules, Aboriginal Rights and how Melbourne kicks Sydney’s arse.”
The news devastated The Australian‘s 5 online and 14 paper subscribers .
3. Grooveshark is a Republican Party Trojan Horse
Karl Rove is understood to have set up the front after carefully going through demographic data. Seeing the Republican base shrink as rich old people die off – he came up with the Great White Shark project. Grooveshark, set up with GNC funds, worked by pumping through subliminal Republican messages. News of the fraud was broken on Twitter when a lapse in the program actually made a group of college students genuinely bat-shit crazy rather than just Republican voters. Karl Rove was despondent when his scheme was discovered, “How else are we going to convince people to destroy the environment and lose all their assets? The old stuff’s just not working anymore.”
4. The end of the Mayan Calendar on 21 December 2012 causes great confusion
Although this is only because the local butcher who puts out the Mayan calendar was a day late in delivering it.
5. A new mental disorder hits the news – Rich Old White Men Syndrome
This follows hot on the heels of the revelation of The Australian being a satirical publication. When an inquiry into The Australian-gate fiasco finds that the prank lasted so long only because the readers were exclusively rich old white men. A treating clinical psychological to one of the subscribers stated, “They used the paper as a crutch so they didn’t have to deal with reality. I mean who wants to be told that they hold positions of privilege and influence in a system that is basically destroying the planet, and with it any hope of a functional prosperous civilisation? Rather than deal with the choice, they used the paper to retreat into a make believe world where science doesn’t exist and money is always right.”
6. Ben Lee makes a good album again
“Look, I’ll admit it now – Ripe was a steaming pile of dung. I just thought that everything I did was perfect after the reception I got for Awake is the New Sleep. I realised it was time to start actually making music again.” Ben Lee said in a publicity interview for the new album called Damaged Fruit.
7. Alan Jones is possessed by the ghost of FDR
After playing FDR in the musical Annie, Alan Jones underwent an emotional breakdown. “I’d been repressing myself for so long that I’d forgotten what it was like to care about people, but sitting in the wheelchair of this inspirational figure and getting into his mindset just released all those pent up feelings.” (This is an excerpt to Jones’ forthcoming autobiography)
8. Tony Abbott is replaced as Liberal Leader
Allegedly it was because Abbott was just not extreme enough. “With the Labor Party the state it’s in, we’ve got a once in a generation opportunity to really fleece the people.” Said an unnamed senior Liberal source, “I mean they just lost the by-election in Batman. So it was time to flick Tony out and draft in Rick Santorum.”
The move was controversial given that Santorum was not yet an Australian citizen but Campbell Newman’s successful transition to LNP Premier in Queensland provided the inspiration.
9. President Obama announces that he really is a Socialist
“They kept calling me one, and I won the 2012 Presidential election. So I thought why not flick the switch to Marx?” – President Obama, 13 December 2012.
10. The Rapture comes
After returning to Earth, Jesus Christ trawls through the data to find that culturally the more secular a society the more Christian economic and social outcomes it produces. ” I decided I needed to carry out radical action. I needed to take 144,000 of my most motherfucking craziest followers, and get them off this planet. I mean humanity deserves a chance right? The crazies will be alright – my cribb is so huge it’s pretty much a kingdom and there’s a corner where they can believe they’ve won forever.” (I’d like to thank Rolling Stone for allowing me to reprint this quote from their interview with JC)